Embrace love and life.

(Credit: http://media.photobucket.com/image/god%252527s%20love/pocketpal_ur_lov/icons/love.jpg)

How can I ever grasp the depth of my Father's love for me? Everyday, His mercies are new every morning and I am constantly in awe with the fact that He loves me all the same, and nothing I can do can make Him love me more or nothing that I've done can make Him close the door on me! 

This is the kind of love that the Author and Creator of life has intended for everyone of us to experience, and after being in Bartley for slightly more than a year now (yes, God answers prayers) learning about my unique God-given SHAPE (Spiritual gifts, Heartbeat, Natural Abilities, Personalities & Experiences) and about being intentionally missional, I feel that the God is telling me throughout this new semester to go forth, to step out of my comfort zone to share who No. 1 Lover in life is.

Although I desire for Him to be the captain of my ship as I sail the course of life, there are instances which I can't let go of the reins. The secular world has taught us that we are ultimately responsible for our own destinies and if we fail, it's our own wrong doing. However, what happens when we feel weary, burdened and have no one else who can grant us peace and sufficient rest? Why are we putting in so much effort to the temporal without investing in eternity?

Horrors of horrors... but if that is so, then wouldn't our lives be like an empty vessel, lacking purpose and meaning? This is why so many people end up searching for this Love, Fulfillment and Excitement in life from the latest look off the runways to dating the next hottie that comes along... but the 'high' effect is only temporary.

I know, I have experience it all before but was left more down than ever when I was still in the midst of searching for this personal relationship with my Heavenly Father, who created me and knew me even before I was born. Every moment of my life has already been laid out even before a single day has passed.

On hindsight, my personal ups and downs in life not only made me who I am today, but has equipped me with the testimonies on how God's faithfulness has stood through times. I am so grateful for that and I cannot keep this great, priceless, unconditional Love to myself; it has to be shared with others.

I have been praying faithfully for God to open doors in allowing me to share who this wonderful Savior and the Prince of Peace is.

He is the Rock of my Salvation.

In Him, I am secure, and worthy of His AMAZING Love.

You are God's love and God's joy too. :)

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Just yesterday, I was in a dilemma about leading today's cell as I know I wouldn't have the time to prepare and still had lots to cover for my World Politics midterm tomorrow. Even then, I didn't want to let Mich down; she's giving me a huge responsibility and an opportunity to grow so I still reluctantly agreed.

On my way home from school at 11pm, I messaged Slam to tell her that I'd rather mug for my exam than to lead tomorrow, with other implications such as a damn sad scenario of mugging  all alone in a GSR on a Sunday rather than fellowshipping with my amazing CG learning about God from one another... and more fundamentally, I'd rather put school/exams/grades before God! (Forgive me, O Lord!) I know how wrong is that of me, but I take it as a lesson from God. My conscience pricked; the whole journey home I was engaged in a mental war with myself- 'Just use the afternoon to study, you have so much material to cover, anyway you have no time to prepare the material and thus, is inadequate to lead discussion...' Oh how Satan tries to exploit our weaknesses and tear us down!

Thankfully, I woke up with a clearer mind, and decided that if I have already surrendered my life into God's hand, why do I have to fear, what did I have to worry about? To cut the long story short, I am glad I went this afternoon and just like the past CG sessions, I take away with so much more. :)

While walking to work today, I had this mind-blowing visualization of what I want to do for the few months after graduation.

Anger drains me of all energy and makes me feel as though as my head is clamped by a concrete stone. I hate feeling unsettled, where the negative vibes are just multiplying by the minute.

I spent the whole day in the office thinking about the chain of events that mounted into nothing but a dramatic reality check about the people around me and even more so, myself.

This verse came up to me while I fought with my guilt conscience.

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger (Proverbs 15:1).

Only after a period of cooling down and reflection did I realize how silly the situation seemed. It all boiled down to assumptions made due to the lack of open communication.

Rashness results in a moment of folly. Saying things that you don't mean, and being hurtful to others (and God).

But through it all, I believe every circumstance is a chance for myself to grow, discover things I never knew about myself, and if need be, to make the necessary amends.

What does it mean to strive to become a better person? 

I think it's to lay down my pride; too much pride trips a person up. To realize that I am not perfect, I have made mistakes, and have resolved to make the effort not to mess up the same way in future.

To step forward and say with courage and humility, 'I am sorry'. Three simple words that usually takes so much for one to utter. I wonder if the world would become a better place if everyone sets aside all conceitedness, self-righteousness and feelings of superiority.

Yes, there are times when people say or do things that really piss us off. I remember a recent sermon on anger. Anger is fine, it allows us to realize that certain things are not right... but it is what we decide to do with our anger that is important.

And the Bible didn't lack any verses on anger, pride or humility.

“The wicked, through the pride of his countenance, will not seek after God: God is not in all his thoughts.” (Psalms 10:4)

"God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble" (1 Peter 5:5)

"as God's chosen people...clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience" (Colossians 3:12)

My instance of outrage was rare that it even shocked myself.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves (Philippians 2:3)

I struggle with loving unlovable people, but that is because I only do so with my own strength.

I made a mistake by raising my voice, but I am glad that I have managed to stay calm and speak without getting all defensive.

In the end, all that it takes is barely a huge effort to be kind, honest and to speak lovingly,

*
Deep down inside, I recognize that we still  have our differences,,, but I also recognized that I didn't have to 'win' an argument to be a winner.

I slept peacefully last night.

*
“It’s all about character. Watch your thoughts, they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions, they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.”

-Frank Out

These days, my only time for musings and personal reflections only exist in three places where I find myself locked in some sort of a vacuum with hardly a whiff of verbal human interaction; on 190 bus to/from school, in the toilet when I shit/shower/sleep especially when I have morning class which I so painfully have to drag my ass out of bed for (I swear, no more back to back morning classes next sem) and when I am walking or running alone.

Today, I stumbled upon news that a school mate's mum has succumbed to breast cancer and she was called home to the Lord last week. I couldn't even say that we are close friends, just mere acquaintances whose love for running made our lives cross paths. The shock and pain I felt was something way beyond I could articulate. No, I can't put myself in her shoes but because we are of similar age, it seems as though there is some sort of invisible thread that ties my heart to hers; maybe it happends with all other human beings too. I like to think that we have a heart for each other in the most invisible yet emotionally tangible way.

However, I think the most inspiring thing is the fact that she is so strong in spite of the grieve and loss that she and her family is feeling. When I found out about her plight, the question that instinctively went through my head was, 'Why, God? Why let such a beautiful girl (both inside and out) suffer at such a young age?'

I teared a little when I read her note she posted on FB. She was strong, and not once did she blame God. She understood and surrendered to the fact that the Lord could call her mum home anytime, and it only made her more appreciative of every minute she had by her mummy's side. She wasn't angry that she had only a limited time with her mum after the fateful diagnosis, but she was determined to create beautiful memories of her mum with her, with her family. Now, she takes comfort knowing her mum couldn't be in a safer, peaceful and more beautiful place. Indeed, I am sure her mum would look down from heaven with pride that her little girl has grown to be so strong and so loving, and more importantly, so trusting and never questioning that the Lord is indeed 'our rock, our shield and our stronghold'.

The whole time I was on the (last) bus home from school today, and from my 5 minute walk to my door, I said a prayer for her and her family, and gave thanks for my parents and my family.